Two years ago I posted this on my Facebook page and reminded of it today:
So when I got to work in my box was a book of poetry written by Noah. It is called "Valedictorian of Detention" and it chronicles some of his inner-most thoughts from high school to college. There are some stunning lines my favorite from a poem "Musings of the Damned"
"Life is like a puzzle that forms no clear picture and half the pieces are missing."
This poem is a deep dive into his frustrations with anxiety and those that tried to help. A look from the other side backward. I am proud and amazed and a little ashamed that I didn't see deeper into this at the time. I am glad he found a voice. At times angry but the last poem entitled "Back from the brink" ends with
"I am uranium, I am energy, Fire and knlife and heat and wonderous ecstasy. I AM ALIVE
And I wouldn't trade if for anything."
I am so proud of this man.....my son....(now saving money to help pay for what I hope will be an MFA).
When I read this I thought I had insight into my child. What I missed was that my child was struggling with identity. This summer the child known as Noah changed. Well, not changed but found a true nature. The child who was Noah told us that he was now N and gender non-binary. His pronoun is THEY. So they told me that it was the first time they felt complete and whole.
For decades I have spoken about the idea the gender is a social construct, I have always taught that our two-gender culture norm is simply opposed to reality. Gender, different from biological sex, has always been something that is far more expansive than the masculine and feminine images that the Western World adopted in the last 1500 years or so. In some places like among Native Americans and parts of the Indian Sub-Continent, non-binary people were seen as valued and in some classes closer to the divine. Some times they were seen as negative, a violation of religious law, but even in those situation they were all recognized as existing and part of the world. At times, even when confronting a religious law, people found that humanity in individuals who didn't fit into a simplified cultural definition of gender. Now as religious traditions evolve and reform, gender differences are welcomed and more and more embraced by many in the mainstream faith and more and more by greater culture. People are open about their own expression and as a culture we are learning to embrace the wide diversity that is human sexuality and gender in the human condition.
But here I am, thinking. I am proud of N for finding an authentic identity. I am proud of N for standing up for what they truly feel. But I won't tell you it isn't hard. There were reasons we chose the names he had carried. Noah for their maternal grandfather and middle name Francis for my dad. Giving those up feels weird to me. I use to call N "the boy". On occasion I would say Booooyyyyy like Flava Flav. N couldn't match it and say Bweeeeeeeee which led to my gmail address. Bweesdad. However I realize this is not about me. N is an adult and as a parent of an adult my job is to love my child and to help N negotiate a world with advice but to not stand in the way of them growing into themselves. I don't want to look at this intellectually, but that has always been my safe space when confronted with an issue that I face. I can and have made the argument that gender is not static and cultural defined, that is not an issue. However, as a parent, expectations of who your child will be are very emotional. But I realize that my major goal was to have a child that knows who they are, is happy with who they are, and sees a future that they can build for themselves. I thin what N is telling me is that he is getting there. I will stand where N needs me to stand with him to help as much or as little as they need. So know my own education begins on how to be that parent. I will stumble, I will use the name Noah on occasion, I will refer to they as THE BOY in a moment of thoughtlessness, I will suggest things that are not helpful. But I will never give up my love for the child I helped raise and for the adult N will be. I am happy to celebrate with my child the newly discovered person N is. Remind me when I stumble.
So when I got to work in my box was a book of poetry written by Noah. It is called "Valedictorian of Detention" and it chronicles some of his inner-most thoughts from high school to college. There are some stunning lines my favorite from a poem "Musings of the Damned"
"Life is like a puzzle that forms no clear picture and half the pieces are missing."
This poem is a deep dive into his frustrations with anxiety and those that tried to help. A look from the other side backward. I am proud and amazed and a little ashamed that I didn't see deeper into this at the time. I am glad he found a voice. At times angry but the last poem entitled "Back from the brink" ends with
"I am uranium, I am energy, Fire and knlife and heat and wonderous ecstasy. I AM ALIVE
And I wouldn't trade if for anything."
I am so proud of this man.....my son....(now saving money to help pay for what I hope will be an MFA).
When I read this I thought I had insight into my child. What I missed was that my child was struggling with identity. This summer the child known as Noah changed. Well, not changed but found a true nature. The child who was Noah told us that he was now N and gender non-binary. His pronoun is THEY. So they told me that it was the first time they felt complete and whole.
For decades I have spoken about the idea the gender is a social construct, I have always taught that our two-gender culture norm is simply opposed to reality. Gender, different from biological sex, has always been something that is far more expansive than the masculine and feminine images that the Western World adopted in the last 1500 years or so. In some places like among Native Americans and parts of the Indian Sub-Continent, non-binary people were seen as valued and in some classes closer to the divine. Some times they were seen as negative, a violation of religious law, but even in those situation they were all recognized as existing and part of the world. At times, even when confronting a religious law, people found that humanity in individuals who didn't fit into a simplified cultural definition of gender. Now as religious traditions evolve and reform, gender differences are welcomed and more and more embraced by many in the mainstream faith and more and more by greater culture. People are open about their own expression and as a culture we are learning to embrace the wide diversity that is human sexuality and gender in the human condition.
But here I am, thinking. I am proud of N for finding an authentic identity. I am proud of N for standing up for what they truly feel. But I won't tell you it isn't hard. There were reasons we chose the names he had carried. Noah for their maternal grandfather and middle name Francis for my dad. Giving those up feels weird to me. I use to call N "the boy". On occasion I would say Booooyyyyy like Flava Flav. N couldn't match it and say Bweeeeeeeee which led to my gmail address. Bweesdad. However I realize this is not about me. N is an adult and as a parent of an adult my job is to love my child and to help N negotiate a world with advice but to not stand in the way of them growing into themselves. I don't want to look at this intellectually, but that has always been my safe space when confronted with an issue that I face. I can and have made the argument that gender is not static and cultural defined, that is not an issue. However, as a parent, expectations of who your child will be are very emotional. But I realize that my major goal was to have a child that knows who they are, is happy with who they are, and sees a future that they can build for themselves. I thin what N is telling me is that he is getting there. I will stand where N needs me to stand with him to help as much or as little as they need. So know my own education begins on how to be that parent. I will stumble, I will use the name Noah on occasion, I will refer to they as THE BOY in a moment of thoughtlessness, I will suggest things that are not helpful. But I will never give up my love for the child I helped raise and for the adult N will be. I am happy to celebrate with my child the newly discovered person N is. Remind me when I stumble.
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