Saturday, September 13, 2014

It May Be an Old Song, But a New Tune

I know you have heard it before.  Last summer I went on a diet, a meal plan.  I lost some weight, I patted myself on the back and I moved on to gain more and more.  It was never anything of a problem I told myself.  I mean I needed new pants and the comfort-fit waste band was a cool invention.  I really didn't think much about my growing stomach until a child ask me if I was going to have a baby.  Even when James Gandolfini died a day before my 48th birthday I knew I had to get my weight under control but that soon faded.  I remember from June to July of last year I went from 224 pounds to 218 and had a party.  By the end of August I was again at 223 and by December I was stable at 227.  That was what I was, stomach, comfort-fit and that cringe when I saw a picture of me from the side.

In July I registered at 231 and my blood work was a mess.  My doctor was not happy, and frankly neither was Dianne and Noah was all over me.  So I downloaded a simple ap called My Fitness Pal at my Doctor's suggestion and started monitoring my intact of calories, sugar, fat etc. and keeping track of exercise or the lack there of.  It was immediately educational.  I plugged in some numbers and it gave me an allowance of calories etc. to follow.  A huge database of food allows me to know precisely what I am taking in and I did the one thing I never did before.  I bought a kitchen scale to see exactly how much of stuff I was eating.  It is remarkable.  When I went back and looked how much I was eating I was well over 2500 calories a day.  Now I am between 1600-1800.  I don't skimp on what I eat, as anyone who reads my other blog knows and I just eat less and I am not hungry.  It is quite revealing.  I think sometimes I just ate for the joy of eating.  But now I eat a limited amount at each meal and I am still happy.  I don't feel like I suffer.

Oh and I have started losing weight.  From 231 in July I have now found myself at 210 and still losing. People have started to notice and say something and and old friend recently said I am looking like my old self.  I feel better, have more energy and move around better.  What is remarkable is that for years I have resisted the simple act of watching what I eat.  When I was a kid I could eat anything at anytime and was always skinny.  I am glad that I am taking this route and glad that I can make it work for me through technology.  I am grateful for the opportunity and the challenge of making food that fills me up and tastes good that doesn't make me compromise.

Oh and just so you know I am not a zealot, I still have days I eat 15 chicken wings and a mess of potatoes.  I still love Dianne's fried chicken, and Noah's recent birthday we all had a great cake with butter cream frosting.  But I know that eating is a life time venture and like keeping kosher it is about awareness and choices.  I plan to continue.  I plan to continue to lose and I plan to be with us for a long time as Noah asked me to the other day.  I hope this is the last time I write this.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

A Week in Review

I wanted to write about this week since it had a very busy news cycle of stories that interested me.  I was hoping to comment on many of them.

The Stealing of Nude Photos of Famous Women:  So someone hacked into the cloud storage of many people stealing and posting famous women's personal photographs in various states of undress and in some cases sexually explicit.  This was a theft and an invasion of privacy.  The fact that they were stored in electronic form in a protected fashion made it analogous to storing printed photos in a safe deposit box at the bank.  There was an agreement of privacy from the cloud server company.  But it took less than a day for people to attack the women for owning the photographs or for putting them in what thought was a safe place.  So let's think about this.
1.  Should people take pictures of themselves in the nude?  Well that ship sailed when the first photographs were invented.  In the 1800s people taking nude pictures and even creating pornographic images.  I remember an amazing exhibit at a museum in New York of personal movies and photos from when my grandmother was in her 20s.  So to be clear, this was made by my grandmother's generation.  The Polaroid made it even more common, and digital photography made it ubiquitous.  And yet these women are attacked publicly for having these available in their private archive.  Should celebrities be held to a higher standard?  Especially attractive, celebrity women?  It seems like the idea here was that they should know people want to see their intimate pictures and so not have them.  I wonder how many of those commentators would give me access to their passwords for their archives.  Bottom line is we are sexual beings, technology allows us to explore that with imagery, bodies are not dirty unless we make them such, and frankly the hacker who stole them is a lowlife.  That should be the story.  Not questioning whether the women should have these photos.

Bob McDonnell:  So Governor Ultrasound was convicted for the brides he took as Virginia Governor.  This was not an issue that was a surprise.  What is a surprise that some people thought this was a political attack and others suggested that it was a prosecution that was not necessary.  Think about this. A governor, one that ran on family values, was taking bribes to act on behalf of a wealthy friend, in a state with lax ethics standards.  The federal government had a strong case.  The defense was to throw his wife under the bus.  Seriously, how could anyone defend this guy.  It is amazing.  We are so politicized that a straight up liar who sold access to his office is considered a victim for being prosecuted.

Joan Rivers:  Joan Rivers died this week.  She was a pioneer and someone who kicked down the door to allow so many women to walk through.  Rivers created a new way to be a woman in a man's world of entertainment. She embraced the gay community from which she built tons of fans and stood with them to fight discrimination.   I miss that Joan Rivers but I have for a long time.  In her later years she created a persona that was built on attacking people.  While I understand in a lot of ways it was a character it also could at times get caustic.  We do wish her family comfort during this time and her legion of fans who will certainly feel her loss.

Michael Sam:  The first openly gay man drafted by the NFL was cut by the team that drafted him.  In part because he didn't fit in their scheme.  There is some indication that his sexuality may have played a role but that is not clear.  He was put on waivers and was picked up by Dallas for their practice squad.  Almost instantly people assumed it was social engineering.  Sam is a good player and was a great college player.  He is not built for the NFL in skill and flexibility at his position.  But he showed he can play at least at a level that can help a team so Dallas is not losing anything to have him on the practice squad and his ceiling is pretty high.  What is remarkable is that we know about his sexuality because someone was going to out him before the NFL draft.  He took control of it and said he wasn't going to hide who he was.  That was brave.  It clearly didn't help his prospects (most defensive players of the year in the toughest conference in college football get looked at in the draft).  But we know there have been many gay NFL players.  In fact in the 70s Vince Lombardi stood up for them.  The guy who the Superbowl trophy is named after.  The difference is that Sam has opened the door for those NFL players who don't want to hide who they are to live their real lives.  Sam may never take a snap in a regular season NFL game.  But he will change the culture of the NFL a culture that has asked gay players to hide themselves may now allow them to be open.  That is a good thing.

It was quite a week and this is just a small sampling of the stories we encountered.  I wonder what will happen next.  

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Living On But Always Remembering

Today is a day of remembering the past but continuing to look into the future.  It was today in 1987 that Linda was murdered.  Taken from me and the world and thus changing drastically the trajectory of my life.  For many years I would think each year about what my life could have been if she had lived and mourned the lost of my possible life.  But last night I went out to spend some time by myself only to discover all that I have in life.  A great son who is now an adult, a wife who cares for me and is amazing in many ways, a life full of friends who stand with me in good times and bad, and even an ex who's dedication to our son has helped him grow into the man that he is becoming.

I was thinking how a few years ago I was thinking about Shoah (Holocaust) education and wanted to remember the words of a survivor who I spoke with when she said the greatest way to get back at the Nazis was to live a fully life.  Remember, don't let it happen again, but live beyond the tragedy of the Shoah.  I realized that was good advice for me.  For my life.  I will not forget the life that was ended and what it could have been but I will continue to live my life fully and enjoy all the moments not in the pit of despair but in the light of joy that we can enjoy in the world.

I raise a glass to the memory of Linda Akers, she is still missed.  But I also lift my glass to all those who help to make the life I developed since Linda's death.  We need the memory but we need to continue to build memories.  Thank you all, as I look back, there are so many great moments and the expectation of so many more.


Friday, August 1, 2014

They Pull Me Back In......

I have purposely avoided writing much about the current situation in Gaza.  I am not sure if it is fear of not being heard well or if it is just I don't know what exactly to think.  I do pray that the children of Sarah and the children of Hagar can one day find a way to share the land and share a future of mutual respect and dignity. But I am asked every day my thoughts and I share them.  I am troubled, frightened and yet I still remain hopeful.  I know it is hard to have hope, but I do, I do because  I have personally seen it in the eyes of both young Palestinians and Israelis.  I have heard it from the lips of old grizzled Jews and Arabs. One day there will be peace.  It will not be easy but, I have hope. Many more people wish for peace than we know about as the stories in the news focus on the shiny objects of the radicals that call for violence or twist the situation to their own narrative.  We can find a way to bring peace to Israel and there are people ready to lead the way.  A real peace, with a secure Israel and fear of terror at a minimum and a free and Palestinian people.  I know it is possible and sometimes I think I will live to see it.

But there are those who don't share my view and too many of them have either power of office or low voices. There is right and wrong that is easily seen.  Hamas calls for the death of all Jews.  It is difficult to negotiate with a people who just want you to die.  What do you offer?  To die slower?  But Hamas is not the Palestinians and there is hope for a future where they no longer hold the sway they do today.  But there are reasons that many still cling to their violent ideology.  We have seen a bit of that today.  A  blogpost in The Times of Israel with the uncomfortable title of When Genocide is Permissible was published and quickly removed from their website. The author, Yochanan Gordon, is an American Rabbi and writer dropped this literary bomb and a world already becoming more angry at Israel for the rising death toll in Gaza of civilians. In it the argument is clear, Hamas is bent on the destruction of Israel so anything Israel does to end Hamas' ability to do so is justified.  An argument I could follow in many ways.  Someone coming to kill you does not necessary retain the right to have you not fight back in a dirty manner.  But the problem is that if you do there are people who do not want you dead who could get hurt.  It will never be okay to blow up a plane full of people to kill the one person bent on evil. Though there are arguments to suggest that while not okay it may still be necessary.     But Gordon's argument goes further than that.  He doesn't want to blow up the plane, he wants to blow up the airport, the travel agent and perhaps even the taxi driver who took the man to meet his flight.  He is arguing  that civilians under the oppression of their leaders seem to allow for terrorist tunnels and rocket launchers to be placed in their neighborhoods, homes, mosques and even hospitals.  To Gordon these people are no longer innocent civilians but terrorists as well,  he concludes this piece with this paragraph:

I will conclude with a question for all the humanitarians out there. Prime Minister Benjamin
Netanyahu clearly stated at the outset of this incursion that his objective is to restore a sustainable
quiet for the citizens of Israel. We have already established that it is the responsibility of every
government to ensure the safety and security of its people. If political leaders and military experts
determine that the only way to achieve its goal of sustaining quiet is through genocide is it then
permissible to achieve those responsible goals?

How do we get here?  How does a rational mind find this to be the answer.  Genocide should be an anathema to any Jew.  Our history is riddled with the attempts by others to kill us all.  Even our Biblical tradition can be seen to include the likes of Amelek and Haman, and through it all our tradition continued to preach forth a message of humanity and dignity for all people.  We are all the children of Adam and Eve, we are all created b'tzelem Elohim.  It does not mean you stand by and let someone kill you, but is also means that it is not our place to decide an entire community should be eliminated. Judaism is not a religion of death and destruction but of life and humanity.  My Muslim friends would share the same value.  Islam and Judaism teach that all life is sacred.  But so many leaders who are driving this have forgotten that is true.

I can't get a scene from Shakespeare's Henry V out of my head.  Henry, the king in disguise is walking among his men on the night before a great battle.   Still unknown to his men he approaches a group and when seen as friend this dialogue takes place.  The battle that dawn will bring does not seem likely as a victory for the English.  A hopeless battle but one that will be met.


So, if a son that is by his father sent about
merchandise do sinfully miscarry upon the sea, the
imputation of his wickedness by your rule, should be
imposed upon his father that sent him: or if a
servant, under his master's command transporting a
sum of money, be assailed by robbers and die in
many irreconciled iniquities, you may call the
business of the master the author of the servant's
damnation: but this is not so: the king is not
bound to answer the particular endings of his
soldiers, the father of his son, nor the master of
his servant; for they purpose not their death, when
they purpose their services. Besides, there is no
king, be his cause never so spotless, if it come to
the arbitrement of swords, can try it out with all
unspotted soldiers: some peradventure have on them
the guilt of premeditated and contrived murder;
some, of beguiling virgins with the broken seals of
perjury; some, making the wars their bulwark, that
have before gored the gentle bosom of peace with
pillage and robbery. Now, if these men have
defeated the law and outrun native punishment,
though they can outstrip men, they have no wings to
fly from God: war is his beadle, war is vengeance;
so that here men are punished for before-breach of
the king's laws in now the king's quarrel: where
they feared the death, they have borne life away;
and where they would be safe, they perish: then if
they die unprovided, no more is the king guilty of
their damnation than he was before guilty of those
impieties for the which they are now visited. Every
subject's duty is the king's; but every subject's
soul is his own. Therefore should every soldier in
the wars do as every sick man in his bed, wash every
mote out of his conscience: and dying so, death
is to him advantage; or not dying, the time was
blessedly lost wherein such preparation was gained:
and in him that escapes, it were not sin to think
that, making God so free an offer, He let him
outlive that day to see His greatness and to teach
others how they should prepare.

When I think of this and the current situation in Israel I have no doubt that the IDF is fighting for a just cause.  While the tragedy of the numbers of civilian deaths in Gaza eat at my heart, I have no doubt that if Israel wasn't as careful with their actions as they are there would be many many more.  Listening to those who choose to fight for Israel they have no doubt that what they are doing is righteous even if the outcome sometimes is horrific.  But in Israel and and world wide Jewry we see Jews mourning that loss of life.  How different would it be if the leaders of Israel took Gordon's advice and instead of fighting for security were hell bent on the destruction of the Palestinian people?  Would the cause be just?  Would the men's action truly be wiped of the crime for following their leaders?  I don't know.  What I do know is that as Hamas has called for genocide their actions do not meet the simple standard laid out by Henry here as he attempts a seemingly unwinnable battle. The cause of Hamas is not a free Palestinian people, it appears it is death to Israel.  That is where I can comfortably stand with Israel now and not fear that I am in the wrong.  As long as Israel continues to see this and act as this is a battle for security I am standing with them and yes while I do that I can also mourn the dead in Gaza, and seek a way to make life there more bearable.  That is not to say that Israel is never wrong.  But that is for a different post.  

Today we saw naked ugliness from a person who seems to have forgotten his teachings as a Rabbi and as a Jew and as a human being.  No one should call for genocide and send young men and women into battle for its sake.  Thankfully it was someone sitting in the comfort of the insular community in suburban New York and not an Israeli cabinet minister.  But we should remember that if you think that Yochannan Gordon was repugnant, he speaking almost in the form of a question.  Rhetorical as it may sound.  For Hamas there is no question.  There is only one answer, death to Israel.  Sadly they have the power the arms and the backing of a rich Arab state to try to make it happen.  They must fail not only for the sake of the Jewish people but for the soul of the Palestinians who would not win behind a just cause.  Everyone involved in this is human, and with all calls for genocide, that humanity is diminished if that becomes your cause.  

Pray for the Peace of Israel this Shabbat and pray for the dead of Gaza, many are innocent caught in the on-going hate and anger.  Pray for a world community that doesn't want an answer but seems to want emotion.  Pray that one day we will all find a way to live in peace and we can all share in the glorious feeling of community.  

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Why Social Media is Good for Us All

Recently I have heard again how social media is bad for us.   Our language and the nature of communication itself is said to be breaking down.  I have heard this before, when telephones became ubiquitous, letter writing suffered, when email was universal but costly we saw more contractions than a maternity ward 9 months after a blackout, when texting became common, who even answers the phone?  Facebook, Instagram, Twitter all gives us not only a singular chance to connect with others but also with the formerly unreachable.  Movie and sports stars, media people and of course the celebrity class all interact with ordinary people via those media.  It allows us to influence others we normally would not reach and frankly is partly responsible for the bringing down of tyrannical governments.  Now like anything it can be used to organize hate too, so I am not Pollyanna about it. Hate groups have found a wider audience, terrorists have become wizards of using it to organize from far away and of course the cyberbullying and destruction of reputations is common place.  But that is part of human nature.  We will always have the good and bad with anything.

But there is something special about social media that links people who have a common connection but not necessarily a bond.  We can follow the lives of high school friends who have grown away from us, sometimes finding a way to mend relationships broken over stupidity of youth.  We have a wider audience to share joys and sorrows and people who understand.  The death of a parent or sibling, a new grandbaby, a 25th anniversary and a diagnosis of cancer have all crossed my screen in the last few weeks.  We are more open with people because we can avoid the fear of that instant shock that often comes with a life changing event.  The distance of cyberspace allows for reflection that doesn't happen face to face and our response can be more measured and helpful I believe.

But whats more it has opened discussions that were so taboo that they had led some to remain in terrible situations or feeling alone.  Women in abusive or unfulfilled relationships found a place in the early days of chat rooms to work out their situations and find allies to help them move on or get help.  While the media screamed about the internet causing a rise in divorce if we looked at the actual reason for many of them we found that the relationships were not in great shape before AOL sent discs to us 5 times a day.  Even more so asking questions about subjects not easily discussed in person come up all the time.  Questions of health, sexuality, and economics all can more easily be expressed talked about and answered through various forms of social media than in person.  Sometimes talking to people that you are seeking advice or support from causes them to move away from you in flesh and blood moments but for some reason people seem willing to be there for people through the screen.

Even what I am doing right now is healthy for me.  Even if no one reads it.  It is my diary, my note pad, and while on occasion I get paid to speak to groups,  (reasonable rates and variety of topics, call me if you need a speaker) no one wants to simply hear me rant about things.  So I can rant here, you can choose to read or not, I can feel I got it off my chest and the world is in balance.

Each time media has moved forward and found a new way to connect people we run into those that will find everything that is wrong with it.  That is normal.  But I think that if we remember there is a real person on the other side of the screen and in the social media world they have chosen to check in on your life there is value there and we will learn to use it better.  

Friday, July 25, 2014

We Can Still Learn From Our Children

The other day I sat in a room to discuss why Muslim and Jewish congregations are involved in the Global Interfaith Partnership, our program that provides food and education opportunities for orphans and vulnerable children in Kenya.  The reason for the question was to help our Duke interns understand why our religions compel us to help in this situation when those helped are predominately Christian.  The answer was not difficult.  Both are faiths have examples of people who worked to ameliorate the lives of people outside our traditions as well as scriptural commands to do so.  The question I would ask is why more of us don’t help the person we see as other?
That is not too difficult to answer in some cases, especially with minority religions.  As humans we are more likely to give something up, be it money, time, food, or our life for family first, tribe, country, faith, more so than for a stranger.  This is part of human nature and in fact it may be hardwired.  That is why I believe the great religions of the world emphasize the importance of helping the stranger, because it is not easy.  So when it happens people take note.  Nowhere did I more note of this in my own heart was with a group of Muslim youth known as SallamCorp, who worked to raise $10,000 a few years ago as part of our Kenya Carnival fund raising.  You see these youth focused their understanding of what was expected of them by their faith to help strangers.  Out of that experience I made good friends and found a form of solidarity with others, who like me, struggle with how to focus our attention to those in need. 
So yesterday brought some news that is hard for me to process.  As we were going to lunch one of my colleagues mentioned a story in the news about a plane crash with a father and son on an attempt to fly around the world.  The local boy was from Plainfield and part of a mosque we were familiar with through our multifaith activities.  Minutes later came the email from my friend, Shariq, who informed me who the boy was.   His name is Haris Suleman and he died when his plane crashed off the coast of American Samoa.  A 17 year old, about the age of Noah, who was attempting to fly round-the-world to raise funds for Citizens Foundation, a nonprofit organization that build schools in Pakistan. 
Haris was a member of that SalaamCorp and I remember his energy, though quieter than the girls in the group, when it came to the work for our Kenya Carnival.  He died doing what was close to his heart, helping others, and he will be missed not only for what he did, but for the loss of potential that our future will never see. 

In the world today many people are dying over hate.  Throw a dart on the map of the land masses of the world and you will strike within 100 miles of someone who will die today because of hate.  Those are the stories that define this summer.  Gun violence in American cities like my own Indianapolis, Chicago, LA, or the continued fights in the Middle East, terror in Africa and violent protests in Europe.  We have become almost numb to mass shootings where instead of stopping to take note the political voices run to microphones to scream platitudes.  So as Shabbat draws near, as the closing days of July usher in the move toward a new school year and as we think about the growing unrest that dominates our evening news shows and the radio and TV screamers, let’s stop and think about the Haris Suleman’s of the world.  A young, Midwestern, Muslim boy, an American teenager (who we are told are selfish and introverted every day in the media) who lost his life trying to help those who can offer him nothing.  Except maybe the chance to make strangers friends.  Perhaps that is what we should all strive for in our lives.  Perhaps we should all try to be a little more like Haris, and perhaps that is the answer we can give people when they ask why Jews and Muslims would join a group designed to help almost exclusively Christians.  Because, the bottom line is, that is what you do when you are fully human.  

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

We Lost of Piece of our Soul

A few years ago while traveling in Kenya, our interfaith group was asked to preach at various churches in the region where we do our work.  On Sunday morning we got dropped off at various places and after lunch we gathered on the bus to head to our afternoon meeting.  As the only Jew, I was happy to see my friend Shariq, who is Muslim and the only other non-Christian traveling with us.  I asked him how it was for him to speak at the church and he told me he preached, if you will, about the Muslim ideal that if you save a single life you save the entire world.  My response was "I love that line, especially in the original Hebrew".  The joke was taken for what it was, the clear connection between the ethical teaching of Judaism that fed the early writings of Islam and drove much of Mohammed's understanding of the world.  So when I think of the animosity today that is driven by Islam when it comes to Israel and even to all Jews I weep.

I wept even more yesterday.  Three young men had their lives taken as the latest result of the "Had Gadya Machine" as it is called by the great Yehuda HaLevi.  Three Jewish teens were killed after being held by Hamas on the West Bank.  This act of cowardly terrorism had unified most of Israel and world Jewry at first wishing for the safe return of the boys and now mourning their loss.  I wonder how a tradition that borrowed so much from the pillars that hold up Judaism can so easily ignore them for the sake of killing Jews.  I wonder just want that means in the grand scheme of things.  

The first thing I read about it was a Facebook post from a teacher and friend Amichai Lau-Levi.  He wrote from Israel:  

  אנא אל תיקום דמם. ה׳ אמת.ברוך דיין    Please God do not revenge their blood.   

It was a powerful statement, because in the moment I read it I found myself struggling with a growing anger.  An anger that I can't find a way to fully wrap my head around.  As a member of the Jewish community who sits comfortable in the MidWest of the US, I can't begin to understand what life is like for those who have to sleep at times in bomb shelters, who have lived with the idea of pizza shops blowing up and now have buried three teens, simply because they want to live in the land of Israel with their families.  Later in the day I read more from Lau-Levi, a man who has been helping us see our ancient tradition with modern eyes but focusing on the message of love that we inherited through the ages.  He wrote:  

I personally see no point in vengeance, in endless circles of retribution. There is no justice to be gained, even when decisive measures will and must be made to bring the murderers to trial and to stop such future actions. More blood will not bring the boys back. This is just one person’s opinion. A former soldier, so tired of recycled rage.  There must be another way.

There must be something more we can do.  But today I still feel the anger.  In part because there are so many of our  people throughout the history of the modern state of Israel  who have sought real peace.  Who are voices trying to rise above the din of hate who take up the cause of the Palestinian people, and every time we seem to feel that we can move forward we are punched in the face by a heinous act like this.  

Tonight I am angry, for the lives of the boys, for my friend who just kissed her daughter good-bye as she joins the ranks of many young Americans who make Aliyah, for the people I met on the West Bank and in Jerusalem who have been struggling for peace.  But most of all I am angry because it is stories like this that make me want to feel less compassion, who make me want to throw my hands up and say "they win"  if they want a fight let's bring it to them.  I don't want to be that guy.  I don't want to feel that negativity, I don't want to hate. 

In a few minutes I will join my local Jewish community for a service of remembrance.  Perhaps that will help me find the way to give up the angry feelings.  Maybe it will pass as I read more from people who want to truly seek a solution and not just turn the crank on HaLevi's machine.  Perhaps I need to find a way to think around this.  But I will indulge myself a few moment of the anger and then seek hope.  Help me find it.