Opening a Diary

I wrote this a couple of years ago when I was inspired by the woods of great storytellers at a conference.  I was inspired but this confessional of weakness was difficult for me to share.  But a school shooting a few miles from my home and yesterday's attack on a newspaper had me reread and rewrite this piece that I would like to share.  I am not sure if it means anything to anyone else.  I sometimes feel helpless in a world of uncertain situations and the daily drum of nonsense.  Maybe this is just me giving you a peak at my diary.  Look in, perhaps I need to do more writing.


I only ever saw my dad hit my mom one time. It wasn’t out of anger but frustration. We were in the car, traveling during a terrible thunderstorm.  My dad pulled over as the wipers couldn’t keep up with the rain. My mother was crying and screaming, she wanted to get out of the car to run into the near-by church. The rain, then hail, made the two block walk dangerous and my dad tried to tell her.  She wasn’t able to listen, my dad slapped her, then grabbed her and held her tight.  The storm eventually passed and my dad took us all home, in silence. 

We were in the car because whenever a storm came my mother had to get out of the house.
We would leave and go somewhere else, anywhere with people. During the day, if a storm came we would go to the Ames Department store.  We would go inside and walk around, I would mainly look at the toys. We could watch the storm through the big windows to the parking lot but it was impossible to hear the thunder.  

But the real fun came at night.  If a storm was predicted, when we went to bed we would be told to keep our clothes nearby on the floor. Like fire fighters socks in the shoes, pants and shirt handy, we needed to be ready to go when the call came.  

“Wake up, there’s a storm”

We would get up and pile into the car and go out.  Good nights we went to the hospital, the big waiting room that people sat in waiting to visit someone upstairs in a room or being treated in Emergency.  My mom chose there because it was a fallout shelter.  The yellow and black sign that looked like a weird pizza to me, the result of Cold War fears, hung outside the building.  For mom that was safety.  We would go in, climb a set of hard stairs and then sit in plastic covered furniture under the watchful eye of the Pinkerton guard at his desk.  I always tried to getting pennies for the gumball machine and loved I could get two squares not one round one.

The large window that look out toward the river and the church parking lot gave us a clear view of the storm as it passed. Once, my mother went into the back and came out calmer and more comfortable. She fell asleep on the ride home.

Great nights we would go to the all night truck stop at the edge of town,aptly named The Edge of Town. There we would cram into a booth as the server brought the children chocolate milk and my parents coffee.  We sat among overnight truckers, drunk college students (Denny’s had not come to the North Country) and often women seeking comfort from a driver or offering it for coin. 

This was my normal.  Storms meant you awoke, went someplace and waited them out.  I didn’t realize how strange that was until college and my first real apartment.  One night I was sharing my bed through a late night storm.  I awoke and quickly turned on the TV to watch the storm information on the weather channel.  I felt anxious and wanted to leave but didn’t know where to go as my companion grunted questions about why I was up and to go back to sleep.  I realized that maybe not everyone reacts to the storms the way my family did.  She fell back asleep in the glow of the TV on mute as I watched the radar show the storm move off to the east.  As the weather quieted I slipped back under the sheets and continued the night.  

Over the years I have mellowed on my reaction to storms.  I watched my son grow up not caring about them.  But I still have to follow them, where they are, where they are going, when the threat is over.  Smart phones allow me to monitor this with stealth I didn’t have before.  But even today as the father of an adult child I still feel the need to know about storms when they come.  Storms are always my nemesis and I feel I must conquer them each time they come.  

Now you might ask why I carry this through life.  It is simple.  For my mom every time lightening flashed and was followed by a clap of thunder she was no longer a mother of 8, a wife, a survivor or the warrior that I saw her as most of the time.  She was the small child, one who heard the planes fly overhead in Mannheim 150 times in the years before she was 10 years old.  A child who hid in stairwells and basements and prayed with neighbors that the next bomb wouldn’t destroy their house, their school or their lives.  A child who saw the flashes of light at the city edge and waited for the thunder of the bomb’s concussion as it rolled down the streets in the dark of night.  I have never faced death at the hands of an anonymous pilot dropping explosives on my home, but I inherited the fear that was delivered with each payload.  I carry with me the scars that she earned as a girl who for her 5th birthday saw her cousin’s house go up in flames from a British incendiary device.  The flash of lightening and the sound of thunder of a simple summer storm carried so much more for my mom, and still today for me.  A legacy of a war fought against an unspeakable evil that spawned this irrational response of punishment on the people of Germany.  My mom is gone, but that punishment lives on in me, a little less pronounced than in her, but still there.  I hope my son didn’t pick up on my reaction to the weather.  I hope my son will be able to sleep through the storms in his life.  But I worry about others.  

Today there are children in parts of the world who will be experience terror by drone strikes and suicide bombers.  Children on the US border who will feel the trauma of being ripped from the arms of their parents and put in cages.  And young people sitting in classrooms that have seen bullets tear into their classmates' and teachers' bodies.  What will they fear when they get older?  Will their children carry the weight of the horrors into their day-to-day lives in the coming decades?  What can we do to break this cycle.  

You Can't Measure Your Success With Your Own Failure

I once heard a professor say she was proud to give out so many failing grades in her class.  She saw that as being tough and a gate keeper to some storehouse of knowledge, or something.  As an educator I cringed and decided to ask, "Isn't your job to get the students to know the material?  I mean if they don't know it isn't that your failure?"  The conversation didn't go well but that is part of the vision of many in education, sadly.  We also see that in many areas where people have power over others seeking something.  Rejection is seen as more a value than it should be.

Recent events at the border have highlighted the terrible state of our immigration system in this country.  We are the shining city on the hill and people want to come here.  Why?  Our entire history has shown that this is one of the places that you can come here with nothing and work hard and build a life within and apart from you ethnic community.  Waves of immigration, celebrated by a statue in New York Harbor, made this country the strongest and most welcoming country in the world.  Studies show that immigrants make for a better country and a stronger economy as well as enhancing the fabric of what it means to be American.  Now we often hear about illegal immigration, crossing the border without the proper procedures and documentation.  But there is a new voice in Washington working to limit legal immigration.  Looking to limit people coming from countries the President himself referred to as "shit hole" countries.  In fact the director of homeland security  DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was supporting more immigration from Scandinavian countries. (She later said she didn't know that those countries were mostly white)  So when we hear rhetoric about keeping people out as a measure of success we have to ask ourselves:  Why?  Perhaps this is about the changing demographics of the country.

Current trends show that be 2045 we will become a white minority country, meaning whites will no longer be a majority demographic group in the nation.  I think that this may be a little too conservative and we may reach that (depending on how we define white) sooner.  This idea scares some people who hold to the notion that this was a country built by and for people of European ancestry.  While that has never been true it has been a theme over time that has led to some horrific events in our history.  The notion has always bubbled below the surface and reared its ugly head during the Presidency of Barrack Obama, which included the anti-Muslim hate that was ginned up after 9-11.  But in the last 3 years the worst of the worst of this has gained a more public voice with literal White Supremacy rallies like the one in Charlottesville, VA which apparently will be repeated in Washington DC this summer.  It was this fear that helped Donald Trump become the President as he catered to the notion of a nostalgic America that was whiter and more homogeneous in thought or at least thought that was allowed.

People fight this growing diversification of our culture in many ways.  One is the rise of backlash to many formerly ignored public practices causing consequences for people.  Using racially charged language, treating women as objects, and certain jokes have caused people to lose their jobs, their public standing and even their freedom.  Not that long ago they would simply be ignored or lauded.  I remember when I first moved to Georgia I was in the library and I heard an older women tell the librarian when she was searching for a book, "I don't want to do the n-word work".  That was 25 years ago.  She was anachronistic at the time, but no one confronted her.  I imagine today they would, it wouldn't be so common place that it is ignored.  I know someone told me that is just "the old way of talking" when I asked about it.  But there are some who would call anyone confronting her politically correct.  In fact, I hear that all the time now.  But I think it is better that we avoid language that dehumanizes and I think most people would agree.  You have a right to think that way and we have a right to tell you that you shouldn't say such things around us.  This mindset that there very act of promoting a language of inclusion and universal acceptance is some how destroying America has gotten new roots in a movement that if not led by the President, has his ear.  I think that energy put into dehumanizing people crossing our southern border is a symptom.  Remember they are coming for a piece of the American dream, they are bad.  But the dozens the Trump company brings in for cheap labor to work in his hotels apparently are fine.  The difference is that he can control the later.

Now I am not an open borders person.  But in a world where borders seem to have less meaning I think the idea of being open to immigration under many circumstances is a good thing.  I grew up in a border town.  We were heavily influenced by the Canadian culture that was similar to our own but had some different quality.  Growing up the border was more about crossing the bridge than going to another country.  My mother shopped at a little market run by German/Canadians every couple of weeks.  Friends parents would go to dinner at a Chinese restaurant on the other side of the river.  Crossing the border was less of a hassle than a typical subway ride from Midtown to Brooklyn in NYC.  Today it is different and I understand why.  We need security.  But I wonder how concerned we would be if a group of Scandinavian refugees were trying to seek asylum here.  I don't think it would be so easy for these people who cheer and make fun of kids in cages would be quite so comfortable with blond haired blue eyed toddlers in virtual kennels.  And that I think is the real problem.

My Well Runs Dry

Last night we had a great board meeting at the shul.  We are so excited about our new Religious School program so we spent a great deal of time talking about the kids and families we have in our congregation.  I am happy our board is so supportive of the program and I left feeling pretty good about the what we are doing.  Then I got home. 

In the course of 1/2 hour I learned the President of the United States referred to people coming to the US to seek asylum are considered an infestation.  That sounded bad.  Then I watched as Rachel Maddow broke down on air upon reading the story of the opening of detention centers for babies and toddlers.  Then I saw that Corey Lewendowski was on Fox News and debating about the inhuman policies at the border.  To illustrate the pain being caused a panelist started talking of a young girl with Downs Syndrome taken from her mother.  Lewendowski interrupted him saying "Wah Wah Wah".  To be clear a former campaign manager to the President and an adviser to the President and apparently who may be in the pay of the Vice-President's PAC has made fun of the horrific story of a child with a disability being taken from her parent.  This is where we are, as a country we are setting up facilities to put babies in jail without their parents, calling human beings an infestation and making fun of disabled children.  All because a President, with the mental capacity of Simon Says Toy thinks that it would be good for the country. 

Now the question is why are there so many asylum seekers?  Well the reason is simple, in the late 80s and early 90s the insatiable desire for recreational drugs like cocaine in the United States made it a no-brainer for many in these countries to produce and smuggle loads of these drugs.  This wasn't simply street dealers in bad neighborhoods but the joke was that on Wall Street everyone had an 8-ball close to them.  So much so that the statue of a trader in lower Manhattan with his open briefcase often was adorned with an added plastic bag of white powder, simply to make it more authentic.  Among those whose cocaine habit drove the rise of lawlessness and violence in those areas was Larry Kudlow.  Now the President's top economic adviser, Kudlow was fired from Bear Stearns and struggled with a habit until simply going to rehab.  As thousands service prison sentences for using pot and smaller amounts of drugs, he never served a day in prison.  Now he supports the idea of destroying the lives of people fleeing the cartels he helped create. 

I don't understand how anyone can support what is going on at the border.  I can't understand how anyone can be comfortable with calling human beings an infestation.  I can't understand how making fun of a scared young girl with Downs Syndrome can be ignored by people with good hearts.  I call on everyone, conservatives and liberals, republicans, libertarians and democrats.  Let's stop simply being outraged and do something productive.  Challenge the lies of this administration and their elected supporters.  Hold news organization accountable for the hate they allow to be spewed on their air every single day (looking at you CNN)  and educate yourself and everyone you know about what is true and what is nonsense.  Start by reading PL 104-208 about immigration that is being used as an excuse.  Look at what actually occurred under the Obama Administration when unaccompanied minors came in large numbers and note that there were some of us who challenged their handling of it.  Be a good consumer of news and information and avoid thinking that news comes from the guests on the evening cable news stations.  And when Rachel Maddow breaks down crying, it is time to take notice.

RIP Anthony Bourdain and We Must All Be More Aware

This morning I woke up with a little spring in my step.  It is Friday, Shabbat is almost here.  I can work outside this weekend for a bit and then I saw the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup.  Yes, I am more a Canadians fan but happy to see this franchise get a cup. 

Went about my business and looked down at a tweet:  If you need help call 1-800-273-8255 #AnthonyBourdain.  I was rocked, it was the same source that I learned a few days ago about Kate Spade's suicide.  I know the person who did this and knew it couldn't be a cruel joke.  I quickly look and there, on the small screen of my phone, the story.  A man I respect, a man who appeared to all of us to have so much to live for, a man who cared about justice and peace and a global community of understanding had taken his own life.  He died of suicide.  Let's be clear, he didn't commit suicide, that suggests a strong sense of agency.  The disease of him mind took his life.

Too often suicide is seen as a failure of constitution.  Some how weak people do it.  Yet many who die by their own hand have shown great strength of character and bravery in their lives.  Bourdain is an example of that.  He rose to fame with a confessional story of life in the restaurant industry including his own confessional that included bad behavior and drug use. He traveled the world walking with people who disagreed with him politically but found a way to find common understanding around a dinner table.  Hard drinking and foul mouthed, Bourbain had a public persona that was off-putting to many but still created a welcoming spirit who followed his adventures, most recently on CNN.  In a recent episode in West Virginia he sat with people who admitted that they and he would probably not agree on much.  It was a telling episode in light of the current public divide on politics and culture.  He was an outspoken supporter of the #metoo movement even if it meant calling out friends in his industry.  This again showed strength of character as he could have stayed quiet and not dealt with the issue.  But the slice of him we saw was not like that and those who knew him better said things like this:  Tom Colicchio of TOP CHEF fame wrote on Twitter: 

RIP doubtful. Tony’s restless spirit will roam the earth in search 

of justice, truth and a great bowl of noodles.  @Bourdain

There was one time I got to hear him speak with Eric Ripert, the chef friend who found him this morning when they were in Paris together.  His language was peppered with many swear words so at the Q&A portion a woman asked him if he speaks like that in front of his daughter.  She continued that she brought her 9 year old daughter and was embarrassed by the language coming from a father. He retorted with asking what made her think it was safe to bring he child to hear Anthony Bourdain? 

So again, twice in one week, we are struck with the idea that even the wealthy, famous and apparently happy can fall prey to the demons that can invade our heads.  Wealth, fame and apparent happiness are not immunizations against mental illness and the torture of the brain.  Those demons do not look at your bank account or your twitter followers.  We shouldn't assume that people have no reason to be struggling just because they are successful. 

Suicide has become a much more common killer in the last two decades.  I haven't studied it so I can't fully comment as to why that is so.  In my life I have known about a dozen people who have died by suicide and several dozen who attempted or sought help to avoid it.  Sometimes the idea of feeling nothing is better for a mind that seems to always feel torture.  There are ways to help.  It is not easy but it is something we can do.  Listen to friends without judgement.  Never  say "What do you have to be upset about you have...."  Listen to your empathetic feelings with others, if you think something might be wrong, ask or at least find a way to be open to anyone who is in need.  Share with everyone that there is help out there.  Here are some wonderful support lines including one you can text. 

• Suicide Hotline:     1-800-273-TALK. It’s free and open 24/7. 
• Trans Lifeline:        US (877) 565-8860
• Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
• Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1

Every day someone takes their life.  They are our neighbors, our friends, our military heroes and of course celebrities.  We cannot save everyone but like the girl on beach throwing star fish into the ocean one at a time we can save some.  To save a life is to save the world, let's all try to find a way to save the world over and over again.  May Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and all the less celebrated people who lost their battle with the demons be welcomed into the arms of Eternity and May their memory not only bring a blessing, but like the great shofar, call us to action.